You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
