my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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