You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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