Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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