Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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