Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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