You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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