Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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