I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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