two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
