am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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