On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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