Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
