Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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