Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
