update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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