After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize