I am puke
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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