Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
