Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Barsexuality is the new black.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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