and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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