there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
