I smell stomach acid.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
