apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
