I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
