Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
