as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
