He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
