The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
