Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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