I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
