The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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