i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
