I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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