Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
