My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
