Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
