separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize