remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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