I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
