The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
