sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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