Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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