Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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