So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just googled if crying burns calories
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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