Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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