I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
