did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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