The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I could fuck to npr.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
