Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
