just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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