you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He shit in the fireplace
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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