i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
