omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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