also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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