So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
