Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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