sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
